Something kinda oooh.

So I have a plan type thing. And I need to write it down in order to stick to it.

Money;

To buy (in this order);

• New phone (LG)
• Hair cut (new style.)
• Hair dye (Bright pink again or blue?)
• Holiday (Alicante. Dads House.)
• New tattoo. (Totoro design)

Also, everything from Piggy gets saved and will go towards;

• Costumes/accessories/clothes/etc for photoshoots (Too many nice things in Kiss and Make-Up that I want!)
• New lens’ and accessories for my Nikon.

I also want to start Flickrs Project 365 self portrait thing. It’ll be a challenge, but let’s see! I’ll start tomorrow. (Monday 3rd Aug.)

Playing Dead

Photography by Miss Tifa Leigh.

Maybe it's not my weekend, but it's gonna be my year.

I hope so.

I think I'm on an up. I give it a week at most. Ha.

Work either rocks or sucks. Most days are either Yey or Nay. It really is black & white...

[/cryptic]

I wonder if you ever think of me.

Sometimes, I miss my party lifestyle.
Sometimes, I love my domestic lifestyle.
I'm so torn.

A special melody.

Thank you.

You are my sunshine.

I haven't updated in a while. And even my last update was just photos.

Basically, there was a lot of family stuff going on, and I actually really enjoyed it. Hence, photos. Then again, I see SophieSuds and EllaBella so little, that to see them both twice in two days was fantastic. It was a massive lift to my mood that I definatly needed.

Other than that, my mood? Not been so great lately. There's a lot of stuff goin on at work, at home and in my mind. Also with my friends. Due to having some kind of social anxiety or other, I haven;t been able to find it in myself to, well, socialise. Turns out, I've missed all the drama. Still not 100% sure of what's going on, but what I am sure of is things are never gong to be the same again and that hurts me. A lot.

Everyone seems to have turned their back o Counsell, but to me, he's my brother, and I will never turn my back on him. So I feel like I'm always defending Counsell.

Yes, he slipped up. But he would have forgiven them in the same circumstance, and instead they're turning their back on him.

But I guess I just don't know the full story, but I really don't see how on Earth people can be so quick to throw away such long, strong, friendships.

I don't know, but that shit's getting me down. My own mind is getting me down. Work is getting me down. And I just want Counsell to come home, because I miss my brother like crazy. He's been thousands of miles away, in a warzone, and he's been there for me more than everyone else (aside from Sam, of course.).

Let it roll.

Deadly when she frowns. Silent in a crowd.

How come every time I find happiness and I feel like I've found my way, does something go wrong and I feel completely lost and alone again?

Josey. Don't you worry. It's just a phase you're going through.

This is a blog post, but I'm writing it at work, on a rather long piece of till roll, in order to copy it up later.

I'm not going to talk about my birthday other than to announce the fact that I finally have my first DSLR, a Nikon D60.

Instead this post is about new beginnings, or my new beginnings, and about how turning 21 is hopefully going to be the start of a lot of things for me, as well as the end of many more.

So I suppose this post is about my birthday.

Sam and I have been watching a lot of One Tree Hill lately, and in it, I have found a role model. Someone who I feel proud to look up to and who I want to be like. And I am slightly embarrassed to admit it, as my 'role model' is actually a fictional character, who has a completely different life to me(Married at 16, pregnant at 17 and a mother at 18.) but she is also the best person I could hope to be.

Its Hayley James-Scott, by the way, for anyone who knows or watches One Tree Hill.

It want her grace, her ability to give almost anyone a second chance, an amazing girlfriend (or wife, as the case is.) and an even better friend. I find myself saying in my head 'do what Hayley would do' whenever I feel stressed, or anger starting to rise in me.

So she may be a fictional character, but surely a role model like that is a good thing whether she's real or not.

I have a short term plan for my life, and I actually feel good about it. I'm going to keep my head down at work and try and ignore the anger I feel from working there. During this time I also plan to look for another job, be the best girlfriend and friend I can be to the people that matter to me, but basically, I plan to stay to myself. My life is made worse by letting outside problems and things out of my control get to me as much as they do, because I keep letting them get to me.

Here's to a new start.

I'm 21 now. An adult wherever I try and hide, and I am also my own person. I need to stop trying to be anything else.

You're dressed to kill. I'm calling you out.

So, today is my last day of being 20. I just figured I should probably make a post to commemorate this or something. Since tomorrow I am officially 'in my twenties'.

Unfortunately I'm going to be spending the majority of the day alone, since Sam has his exam tomorrow too, so is in Lincoln. I'm looking forward to, although am also slightly apprehensive about, the meal tomorrow night. Not sure how sticking my friends at the same meal as my family will work out so great, or bringing my mothers side and my fathers side of the family will go so well. Minus my Father, of course, because he has more important things to do than attend his daughters 21st birthday. (Namely, a cruise around the Carribean.)

Like my step-sister said, it's one rule for us, another for them. If we miss someones birthday, we get our arse kicked.

Wow, I managed to make this post take a negative twist. I am looking forward to the night out on Thursday :) And We The Kings in Manchester on Saturday. And then again on Sunday the 31st in Nottingham. And maybe Slam Dunk Festival? If Pook can sort me out, that is.

So, here's my last day of being 20. And I'm spending tonight at work. Ha.

All the friends you've made

So, first off, my brother lied to me. Knowing how much I panic whenever he's at sea (when he was sailing around the USA, Mexico and South America, I freaked out because of a hurricane.) he told me he was going to be sailing between Japan and China this time. However, I have since found out he is in fact sailing around SOMALIA. Yes, that is the place with the PIRATES. And he is on a BOAT. So now, of course, BBC News will be my most watched channel and everytime I hear anything about Somali pirates I'll freak out. Luckily, he's been texting me everyday to let me know he's okay. However, in the past week he has been shot at, his ship has been chased and he watched another vessel get sunk. He described it as a warzone.

I'm currently in Lincoln, as I had a few days off work and Sam needed to use the University library, so I decided to tag along.

Birthday celebrations are back on due to my Boyfriend. He wouldn't take no for an answer and said that if I didn't plan anything then he would. So on my actual 21st there's going to be a meal at West Coast Rock Cafe for my friends and family, and then on the Thursday it's a 1920s gangster night out in Blackpool. I just want an excuse to get dressed up and drunk. And Clare's coming down as well which makes me excited :)

Topped only by peoples dreams.

Not updated in ages.
Lately life has been full of stress. Stress all round.
Plus I have a stomach bug at the moment which is sucky.
Sam was back in Lincoln last night so my brother (the one that isn't a lucky cunt and in Japan...) came round to look after me overnight. It was nice to chill out.

I love you terribly, I swear that this is true. But I can't stop my hands from smothering you.

Nightmare of You was awesome. They asked me to do the promotion for their fall tour, and I got smothered in kisses by Brandon. Sam really didn't know what to make of it!

Unfortunately, however, the rest of my life isn't running as smoothly as the show. Hours cut at work again (Typical, as I've only just got them back...), work is generally stressful and bad, Sam's loosing it because of uni, I'm loosing it because I'm just a mental person anyway, I miss my cats terribly, I'm having beef with Fearless Records at the moment, as they seem to forget I live in the UK, therefore receive the materials two weeks after everyone else, therefore cannot be expected to work two shows in just a week. Especially not on my wage. I'm struggling as it is! I also have a sudden giant yearning for Toronto again, this time without £500 of saving behind me. And I miss Mousecat and Furface too much, and I know I already mentioned it but I do. And I miss Chazcat like crazy. I keep coming across photos of him, or videos, or other things that remind me of him. People dont get it. He wasn't a pet, he was part of the family. The close family. And Sam and I are yearning for a cat of our own. It takes everything in me not to steal the gorgeous, friendly persian from down the road...

On a lighter note, I figure I definatly must have been a cat in a previous life.
Most girls my age and up see babies and yearn for them. Some kind of ticking in the womb or something.
Lately, I get the exact same thing whenever I see a kitten, a tiger cub, a lion cub...

I need to cut back on watching The Lionman.

I also need to win a lot of money so I can fly to New Zealand and pay to play with tigers and lions.

It was easy when you were younger.

Fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail.
That is how I am.
Fail.

Cancelled all birthday plans.
Mum says that my family won't let me down.
Awesome.
But my friends will.
& That'll hurt more than she understands. So. Cancelled.

All I do is aggravate Sam. Supposed to go to Lincoln with him tonight for a couple of night. I'm not. Haven't told him yet. But I'm sure he won't mind. He was gonna go without me anyway. Plus I'm sure he could do without the headache that is me.

I can't be happy. I'm sorry.

I'm sick and tired of your reasons.

Trying to be music orientated again at the moment, because music has such a profound effect on my mood, I'm hoping it'll help like it used to. I cannot seem to shake that sad feeling. And I really want to because I feel like I'm sabotaging myself. I'm making plans and by all accounts, I should be happy. So... why am I not? I've searched my mind, and my heart, and I can't find the answer.

I do have the best friends I could possibly have. I have the greatest boyfriend, who I love more than I have ever loved anyone before, who knows me better than anyone else and who I am happy planning future plans with. Work is finally starting to pick up, I'm getting my ideas heard and the hours I used to work are coming back. I have shows, what I used to breathe for, planned in the future. More than one! Holidays in the pipeline, one of them to Disneyland! How can I still be unhappy?

Thing is, the majority of the time, I don't feel it. But when I do feel it, it's overpowering.

Wow, my mind is a total mess right now.

I know you were on my side.

I can't shake the feeling of sadness. I can't seem to shake it despite things seeming to look up, what with my finances, the work with Fearless records going really well, being approached by other bands I've never even heard of saying they've heard of me, and could I please promote them? With at least two shows in the future as well - for free!

Taking Back Sunday / Underoath / Escape The Fate / Innerpartysystem (GIAN Incoming) - 18th April @ Manc Acad.
&
Me Vs Hero / Paige - 2nd April @ Manc Roadhouse.
(Clare, d'ya wanna come? I can get your a guestpass, because MvH is Pooks band, & It's the last day of the tour so we're gonna tear it up afterwoulds.)

I'm unsure about life itself.

Through the night into the dawn.

R.I.P Heart Of Gold Lord Charles.
Chazcat.

Mum & I are heartbroken. We miss him so much. I burst into tears at every random thought. It's so hard dealing with loosing someone who has been a huge part of my family for 13 years.

This Is the right thing to do.

I've had it with what's going on in Lincoln at the moment. I still adore the city, and I adore all ym friends there. But I hate, yes, hate, the big H word, whatever, one person who is making it hell for everyone else.

It hurts he's destroyed the place I once felt safe and at home.

It's An Omen.

Halfway to figuring out how to make this journal private.

Sam's coming back tomorrow because he has nothing on this week. That makes me happy :)

Just supping coffee before I head into town to get gifts for my Mums birthday, tomorrow. Also need to post stuff to Clare, Paris and Tash :)

Also need to get a couple more cheap tank tops from Primark and get something to unblock the drain. Mr Muscles strongest drain un-blocker didn't even work, so going to see if there's anything that's super industrial strength.

Look Inside Yourself

It seems I'm being spied on.

fucksake.

Can you turn this stuff private?

To whomever it is who is spying on me and reporting straight back to my mother, and I have the list narrowed down to two people, I do not appreciate it. I am twenty years old, and an adult, I live on my own, in my own flat, and support myself, and you do not need to to report my every word back to my mother. This blog is for my friends to read and find out how I am feeling, what I am up to and to keep in touch with my day to day life.

Thanks to you I now feel there is no safe place on the internet for me to vent, talk or record my days. Thanks for that. Thank you so god-damn much.

If anyone knows a way to make this journal so that only people I choose can read it, then please contact me and help me do so. If I cannot gain confidence to write in this again, then I may have to delete it. Delete the only online journal I have felt so comfortable and happy using.

Again, you have yourself to thank for that.

Get your own life, and please, stop spying on mine.

Ode To Seritonin.

Yesterday was terrible. Hard. Lucky Martha did the 12-4 shift for me, so I only had to work my evening shift.

Meeting up with Stu at 4, for lunch and general cheer ups.

Also become addicted to Kingdom of Loathing. It's funny and takes my mind of things.

Not Gonna Write You A Love Song.

So, I figured why let some of the photographs I took go to waste?

I also had a massive urge to blog. I'm unsure why, I just did. I'm not even sure what I'm going to write about.

I had a very lazy day today, however, I have a very busy day tomorrow. Covering Boo's 12-4 shift in the afternoon, and then I have my own 6-11:30 shift that night. Also gotta run to the post office to post cards and letters :) (Yes, I told you I did some of the things from my list!)

And I feel like I made up for not doing some of them by doing something I've been putting off for a while now due to my being a female - I set up my freeview box. I know it doesn't sound so hard, but in fact it had stumped me several times! But, task completed, and working! So, since I feel I shall have another sleepless night, I plan to sit on my bed, in front of the TV, all night, and just watch crap all.night.long.

I swear, I'm going to try so hard with this journal. I actually enjoy writing in this one, rather than with others it felt like I had to. I'm completely unsure why.

I would, however, like some more friends on here, so should anyone have any amazing people they want to recommend me to, please, feel free to :)

See; I told you I was going to try optimism this week, despite last week being terrible, and I am. I hope it's working, and I also hope that the amount of actual work I am doing (at the pub, not for Fearless) will keep me busy and keep my mind out of the gutter.

For someone who had no idea what to write, I sure as hell wrote a lot!

I Don't Mean To Be A Bother, But Have You Seen This Girl?

Unfortunately, I failed hard on my list. However, last week was one of the most traumatic I've had in a long time. I really do not feel like going into it, but please believe me when I say I believe I have more than enough good excuses as to why I didn't do the list. I did do many things off it though, such as the cards and letters, which I just need to send off, as well as taking some photographs and also hoovering my flat.
Maybe when my life calms down a bit more, then I shall give it another shot.

I'm trying to be optimistic about the coming week. It's kind of hard, considering last week, but thinking about it, it cannot really get much worse. Right? *Touch wood*

I shall also try and update this more. What with Sam back in Lincoln and me still stuck in Blackpool, I have a lot more time on my hands. Time leads to thinking. Thinking sometimes leads to blogging. It (sort of) makes sense!

I Can Tell You, My Love For You Will Still Be Strong

So I didn't update yesterday, which sort of ruins my '7 things 7 days' thing, however, I had a very good reason to. Yesterday was a terrible day for me. My mood was rock bottom, and then I found out my Mums cat, Charlie, who I love dearly despite all the 'He's evil!' claims, is incredibly ill, and if he doesn't start eating soon, we will have to say goodbye to him. It is heartbreaking. I cannot bear to think of it.

So, I shall begin the 7 days today.

No real plans today; might wander into town to see how Yates' is doing after the fire.
The photo up top was taken yesterday. I'll post any photo I take today up tomorrow and so on and so forth.

Update;
1. Write letters to 2 friends and mail them (0/2)
2. Make a card for 1 friend and mail it (0/1)
3. Make a birthday card for my mother
4. Catch up on all Fearless teaming for this week
5. Begin every blogspot journal entry with a photograph I have taken that day (1/7)
6. Update this journal every day for 7 days (1/7)
7. Hoover my flat

Alone At Last, Together In A Photograph

Inspired by Clares list of 101 things to do in 1001 days, I'm making a list too. But not 101 things, or 1001 days. I'm terrible with long term targets and tasks like that. Mine's going to be simple. 7 things in 7 days.

1. Write letters to 2 friends and mail them (0/2)
2. Make a card for 1 friend and mail it (0/1)
3. Make a birthday card for my mother
4. Catch up on all Fearless teaming for this week
5. Begin every blogspot journal entry with a photograph I have taken that day (0/7)
6. Update this journal every day for 7 days (0/7)
7. Hoover my flat

Since one of these 'tasks' is write in this journal every day, I hope I will actually be updating every day. Therefore, I'll update on the list. The beginning all the updates with a photograph I have taken that day is to try and get me back into using my camera as often as I used to.

Last week, I made cards for five friends and sent them, and it felt good. Very good, for some reason. So hopefully the sending of cards and letters to my friends will help the feel good feeling come back.

I will be beginning the tasks tomorrow (18th February) and have until Wednesday 25th February to finish them :)

Swing life away.

I absolutely adore this song. I agree with so many of the lyrics. Especially '...We get by just fine here on minimum wage. If love is a labour, I'll slave till the end...'

Am I loud and clear or am I breaking up?
Am I still your charm or am I just bad luck?
Are we getting closer, are we just getting more lost?

I'll show you mine if you show me yours first
Let's compare scars I'll tell you whose is worse
Let's unwrite these pages and replace them with our own words

We live on front porches and swing life away
We get by just fine here on minimum wage
If love is a labor I'll slave 'til the end
I won't cross these streets until you hold my hand

I've been here so long; think that its time to move
The winter's so cold summer's over too soon
so let's pack our bags and settle down where palm trees grow

I've got some friends, some that I hardly know
But we've had some times I wouldn't trade for the world
We chase these days down with talks of the places that we will go

We live on front porches and swing life away
We get by just fine here on minimum wage
If love is a labor I'll slave 'til the end
I won't cross these streets until you hold my hand, until you hold my hand

I'll show you mine if you show me yours first
Let's compare scars I'll tell you whose is worse
Let's unwrite these pages and replace them with our own words

We live on front porches and swing life away
We get by just fine here on minimum wage
If love is a labor I'll slave 'til the end
I won't cross these streets until you hold my hand
Swing life away
Swing life away
Swing life away
Swing life away

But I'm Slipping In Between You And Your Big Dreams

I did this one facebook, but I wanted to post it here too. I'm unsure why.

1. My Zebra print faux-fur throw is the best throw ever. True story.

2. I'll soon be legally changing my surname to Caddick. It's my mothers maiden name.

3. I've already done one of these, but people keep tagging me, so I thought I'd do a new one. Plus, there is more to me than just 25 things.

4. I think 'Konstantine' by Something Corporate is an absolutely beautiful song. I can listen to it for hours.

5. You know, I'm still not 100% sure what I want to be when I grow up. Apparently, I'm already a grown up.

6. Cassie was my favourite character in the first series of Skins. Chris in the second series. And I still haven't decided on the third series.

7. There's a spot on my nose and it's annoying me.

8. I should learn not to make plans - 99% of the time they fall through, people bail or go tits up. Fact.

9. I have been evacuated out of Miami due to a hurricane. We then flew over said hurricane in the airplane on the way home. It was a beautiful and amazing sight that I will hold dear to me.

10. If my parents hadn't divorced, I would be living in Florida.

11. I'm hungry.

12. I can just lie on my bed and listen to music. Nothing more, just listen. And I enjoy those days.

13. I'm becoming more sure of myself with every day that passes. I'm still incredibly insecure though.

14. My hair smells like coconut.

15. I have a pink phone, because I like the colour pink. A lot.

16. I have a new found love for Sailor Jerrys, or Morgans Spiced.

17. It's always around this point that I start to run out of things to write about myself. This does not make me a boring person. It just means I need to learn more about myself.

18. I feel every house or flat should have a traffic cone.

19. I hate the cold. Unless it's snowing. Then it has a very good reason to be cold.

20. Sugarcult are still my number one band, and probably always will be.

21. I'm nowhere near as innocent as I seem to be.

22. I like pillows and cushions and other cosy stuff a lot.

23. I actually love my natural hair colour, but I always get bored of my hair. Always. I can't help it. That's why I dye my hair a lot and cut it.

24. When I'm alone and bored, my mind wanders. Never to good places.

25. My favourite fruit is banana. And whenever I type banana I wan to continue, so it looks like banananana.

I Wanna See You In The Light Of Day

I'm soon to be Kimberley-Jayne Caddick.

So Take A Look At Yourself In The Mirror.

I don't think Sams parents like me.

They're always on at him for coming to see me so much, and telling him to do more work. They think I'm taking him away from them and taking him away from Uni. But they have no idea.

They have no idea about the argument I had with him about him skipping classes, and how he now goes to every single one, including lectures. How I make him do his uni work.

No. I'm the new girlfriend, they feel they have to blame someone.


And it's really getting to me. Really.

My Heart Is As Cold As The Clouds Of Your Breath

I have 20 minutes before I go back to work for the first time in nearly three weeks. First there was the infection, then the cracked ribs, and then Amsterdam (which was awesome, by the way.)

I also haven't blogged in a while, and I almost feel like I have nothing meaningful to blog about. That's been my life lately. It's quite strange. Whenever I'm busy doing things, traveling and hanging out etc, you know, the usual stuff that people blog about, I just can't find it in me to blog. However, when nothing is going on I seem to be able to write page after page of general waffle that is more meaningful than when I talk about things that happened.

I am sort of strange in that respect.

Apart from Amsterdam, I haven't done much. Just hanging about. I enjoy it.

One thing that does bother me though is that I have been put on a 'mild' anti-depressant. Or rather, tricked onto them. When I went to the doctors about being ill, I once again brought up the insomnia that I've been suffering from on and off for a couple of years ago now. He asked me a few questions, and gave me a prescription.

When researching the medication, I discovered they're actually an anti-depressant. The doctor has been trying to put me on them for years now, but I always refused, or didn't collect the prescription.

This annoys me a little. Well, a lot. However, If the doctor believes I need them so much he tricked me into getting them, then I suppose I may as well try them. Boyfriend is supportive, of whatever I do, but I'm just worried it'll change me.

My bi-polar meds space me out, which is why I rarely take them unless I am terribly bad. I just hope anti-depressants don't too.

This is waffling, filling in time before I have to go to work. I am actually nervous about going back to work after so long, and I'm not quite sure why.