Deadly when she frowns. Silent in a crowd.

How come every time I find happiness and I feel like I've found my way, does something go wrong and I feel completely lost and alone again?

Josey. Don't you worry. It's just a phase you're going through.

This is a blog post, but I'm writing it at work, on a rather long piece of till roll, in order to copy it up later.

I'm not going to talk about my birthday other than to announce the fact that I finally have my first DSLR, a Nikon D60.

Instead this post is about new beginnings, or my new beginnings, and about how turning 21 is hopefully going to be the start of a lot of things for me, as well as the end of many more.

So I suppose this post is about my birthday.

Sam and I have been watching a lot of One Tree Hill lately, and in it, I have found a role model. Someone who I feel proud to look up to and who I want to be like. And I am slightly embarrassed to admit it, as my 'role model' is actually a fictional character, who has a completely different life to me(Married at 16, pregnant at 17 and a mother at 18.) but she is also the best person I could hope to be.

Its Hayley James-Scott, by the way, for anyone who knows or watches One Tree Hill.

It want her grace, her ability to give almost anyone a second chance, an amazing girlfriend (or wife, as the case is.) and an even better friend. I find myself saying in my head 'do what Hayley would do' whenever I feel stressed, or anger starting to rise in me.

So she may be a fictional character, but surely a role model like that is a good thing whether she's real or not.

I have a short term plan for my life, and I actually feel good about it. I'm going to keep my head down at work and try and ignore the anger I feel from working there. During this time I also plan to look for another job, be the best girlfriend and friend I can be to the people that matter to me, but basically, I plan to stay to myself. My life is made worse by letting outside problems and things out of my control get to me as much as they do, because I keep letting them get to me.

Here's to a new start.

I'm 21 now. An adult wherever I try and hide, and I am also my own person. I need to stop trying to be anything else.

You're dressed to kill. I'm calling you out.

So, today is my last day of being 20. I just figured I should probably make a post to commemorate this or something. Since tomorrow I am officially 'in my twenties'.

Unfortunately I'm going to be spending the majority of the day alone, since Sam has his exam tomorrow too, so is in Lincoln. I'm looking forward to, although am also slightly apprehensive about, the meal tomorrow night. Not sure how sticking my friends at the same meal as my family will work out so great, or bringing my mothers side and my fathers side of the family will go so well. Minus my Father, of course, because he has more important things to do than attend his daughters 21st birthday. (Namely, a cruise around the Carribean.)

Like my step-sister said, it's one rule for us, another for them. If we miss someones birthday, we get our arse kicked.

Wow, I managed to make this post take a negative twist. I am looking forward to the night out on Thursday :) And We The Kings in Manchester on Saturday. And then again on Sunday the 31st in Nottingham. And maybe Slam Dunk Festival? If Pook can sort me out, that is.

So, here's my last day of being 20. And I'm spending tonight at work. Ha.

All the friends you've made

So, first off, my brother lied to me. Knowing how much I panic whenever he's at sea (when he was sailing around the USA, Mexico and South America, I freaked out because of a hurricane.) he told me he was going to be sailing between Japan and China this time. However, I have since found out he is in fact sailing around SOMALIA. Yes, that is the place with the PIRATES. And he is on a BOAT. So now, of course, BBC News will be my most watched channel and everytime I hear anything about Somali pirates I'll freak out. Luckily, he's been texting me everyday to let me know he's okay. However, in the past week he has been shot at, his ship has been chased and he watched another vessel get sunk. He described it as a warzone.

I'm currently in Lincoln, as I had a few days off work and Sam needed to use the University library, so I decided to tag along.

Birthday celebrations are back on due to my Boyfriend. He wouldn't take no for an answer and said that if I didn't plan anything then he would. So on my actual 21st there's going to be a meal at West Coast Rock Cafe for my friends and family, and then on the Thursday it's a 1920s gangster night out in Blackpool. I just want an excuse to get dressed up and drunk. And Clare's coming down as well which makes me excited :)

Topped only by peoples dreams.

Not updated in ages.
Lately life has been full of stress. Stress all round.
Plus I have a stomach bug at the moment which is sucky.
Sam was back in Lincoln last night so my brother (the one that isn't a lucky cunt and in Japan...) came round to look after me overnight. It was nice to chill out.