I'm sick and tired of your reasons.

Trying to be music orientated again at the moment, because music has such a profound effect on my mood, I'm hoping it'll help like it used to. I cannot seem to shake that sad feeling. And I really want to because I feel like I'm sabotaging myself. I'm making plans and by all accounts, I should be happy. So... why am I not? I've searched my mind, and my heart, and I can't find the answer.

I do have the best friends I could possibly have. I have the greatest boyfriend, who I love more than I have ever loved anyone before, who knows me better than anyone else and who I am happy planning future plans with. Work is finally starting to pick up, I'm getting my ideas heard and the hours I used to work are coming back. I have shows, what I used to breathe for, planned in the future. More than one! Holidays in the pipeline, one of them to Disneyland! How can I still be unhappy?

Thing is, the majority of the time, I don't feel it. But when I do feel it, it's overpowering.

Wow, my mind is a total mess right now.

I know you were on my side.

I can't shake the feeling of sadness. I can't seem to shake it despite things seeming to look up, what with my finances, the work with Fearless records going really well, being approached by other bands I've never even heard of saying they've heard of me, and could I please promote them? With at least two shows in the future as well - for free!

Taking Back Sunday / Underoath / Escape The Fate / Innerpartysystem (GIAN Incoming) - 18th April @ Manc Acad.
&
Me Vs Hero / Paige - 2nd April @ Manc Roadhouse.
(Clare, d'ya wanna come? I can get your a guestpass, because MvH is Pooks band, & It's the last day of the tour so we're gonna tear it up afterwoulds.)

I'm unsure about life itself.

Through the night into the dawn.

R.I.P Heart Of Gold Lord Charles.
Chazcat.

Mum & I are heartbroken. We miss him so much. I burst into tears at every random thought. It's so hard dealing with loosing someone who has been a huge part of my family for 13 years.

This Is the right thing to do.

I've had it with what's going on in Lincoln at the moment. I still adore the city, and I adore all ym friends there. But I hate, yes, hate, the big H word, whatever, one person who is making it hell for everyone else.

It hurts he's destroyed the place I once felt safe and at home.

It's An Omen.

Halfway to figuring out how to make this journal private.

Sam's coming back tomorrow because he has nothing on this week. That makes me happy :)

Just supping coffee before I head into town to get gifts for my Mums birthday, tomorrow. Also need to post stuff to Clare, Paris and Tash :)

Also need to get a couple more cheap tank tops from Primark and get something to unblock the drain. Mr Muscles strongest drain un-blocker didn't even work, so going to see if there's anything that's super industrial strength.

Look Inside Yourself

It seems I'm being spied on.

fucksake.

Can you turn this stuff private?

To whomever it is who is spying on me and reporting straight back to my mother, and I have the list narrowed down to two people, I do not appreciate it. I am twenty years old, and an adult, I live on my own, in my own flat, and support myself, and you do not need to to report my every word back to my mother. This blog is for my friends to read and find out how I am feeling, what I am up to and to keep in touch with my day to day life.

Thanks to you I now feel there is no safe place on the internet for me to vent, talk or record my days. Thanks for that. Thank you so god-damn much.

If anyone knows a way to make this journal so that only people I choose can read it, then please contact me and help me do so. If I cannot gain confidence to write in this again, then I may have to delete it. Delete the only online journal I have felt so comfortable and happy using.

Again, you have yourself to thank for that.

Get your own life, and please, stop spying on mine.